Good And Necessary Conflict
My sister-in-law and I have had many arguments, beginning with her refusal to let me borrow her boom box in college for no apparent reason. When I lived in rural Tennessee and she in New York City, we clashed over which location was better: I believed the safety, friendliness, and slow pace of the close-knit community was "right" while she enjoyed the noise, bustle, opportunities, and unlimited entertainment venues in the Big Apple. When we each had children within months of each other, we had several emotional stay-at-home versus working mom rows. I had research and documentation proving kids with stay-at-home moms turned out more secure, well-adjusted, and happy than kids with working moms. My sister-in-law had just as much evidence and conviction on the other side of the issue. We have quarreled vehemently over religion, politics, toe hair, spending habits, and where we stand on the subject of homosexuality. These are tough issues entrenched in our values, our world views, our identities. On many occasions, we've agreed to disagree; some topics are now permanently off-limits because we love each other too much to potentially scar our relationship with sharp words.
In spite of our vast differences, we enjoy being together. I consider my sister-in-law to be one of my best friends and closest confidantes with whom I've built fond memories for nearly half my life. The discord we've had has helped shape me into a new and, hopefully, better person. Though I've held fast to most of my original positions, her words have enlightened me. I am not so quick to judge. Dropping broad, sweeping "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", "rights" and "wrongs", I am much more open and accepting of individual experience. Last week I even found myself defending one of my sister-in-laws' positions against a judgmental person. Through our conflicts, growth and change have occurred.
Any good psychotherapist would tell you arguing can be constructive. Conflict can lead to understanding and positive outcomes if the participants fight fair and are malleable. When I practiced outpatient psychotherapy years ago, so many of my clients were locked in some sort of dead-end situation. Change was too difficult. They would rather go on being miserable in their familiar patterns than stretch beyond them. They could not imagine what lay on the other side of conflict; what newness and possibility awaited. It was like reading an interesting book, getting to the climax, and then finding only blank pages to the end - no resolution. Wouldn't that be disappointing? Frustrating? Art imitates life.
In spite of our vast differences, we enjoy being together. I consider my sister-in-law to be one of my best friends and closest confidantes with whom I've built fond memories for nearly half my life. The discord we've had has helped shape me into a new and, hopefully, better person. Though I've held fast to most of my original positions, her words have enlightened me. I am not so quick to judge. Dropping broad, sweeping "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", "rights" and "wrongs", I am much more open and accepting of individual experience. Last week I even found myself defending one of my sister-in-laws' positions against a judgmental person. Through our conflicts, growth and change have occurred.
Any good psychotherapist would tell you arguing can be constructive. Conflict can lead to understanding and positive outcomes if the participants fight fair and are malleable. When I practiced outpatient psychotherapy years ago, so many of my clients were locked in some sort of dead-end situation. Change was too difficult. They would rather go on being miserable in their familiar patterns than stretch beyond them. They could not imagine what lay on the other side of conflict; what newness and possibility awaited. It was like reading an interesting book, getting to the climax, and then finding only blank pages to the end - no resolution. Wouldn't that be disappointing? Frustrating? Art imitates life.
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